When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
You Might Also Like
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
True statement👍😏😁