Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
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chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Storm Tropical Storm
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5