Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
are they though??
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.