Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
two people or more is called a problem
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick