am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
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Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Discuss
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.