Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
You Might Also Like
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Any refunds available?…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!