My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs