The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I鈥檓 making has lace on it.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There鈥檚 a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
windshields shouldn鈥檛 exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that鈥檚 how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
A water park, but it鈥檚 just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i鈥檓 ready to help guard the olives
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
pls suprot
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.