“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Saturday
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow