I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.