Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
this is the greatest thing ever
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you