This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko