[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
mariah carrie
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.