I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it