“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I get distracted pretty eas
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.