“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.