Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs