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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce