A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
I saw my shadow today. You won鈥檛 see that on the evening news because I鈥檓 not a stupid fuzzy animal
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Why did I laugh so hard at this 馃槀
This can never not be funny 馃槶馃槶
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Just accidentally spilled my cat鈥檚 food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 馃槀
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Who does Amazon think I am?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it鈥檚 an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it鈥檚 a squirrel
Her: It wasn鈥檛 all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?