When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
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[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit