I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
BETRAYAL
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…