“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*