Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.