Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood