You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.