Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.