If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
What the hell happened here.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.