Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Phonetics
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.