Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
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son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I鈥檓 still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I鈥檓 good.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
馃憦GIVE 馃憦THE 馃憦OTHER 馃憦49 馃憦STATES 馃憦THEIR 馃憦OWN 馃憦CHAINSAW 馃憦MASSACRE 馃憦MOVIES
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother鈥檚 Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I鈥檓 so blessed.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I鈥檓 writing a book about a future hurricane. It鈥檚 only a draft at the moment
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.