They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
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My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
when the buffet is more honest than your date
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
What
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Morning my dudes.