Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”