ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday