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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Y’all know who you are.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted