Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
You Might Also Like
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
The smoothest fall of all time
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit