I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
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My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.