My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
listen closely
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts