Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row