Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
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spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*