If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
what’s the point then??
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE