Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.