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If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.