“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.