Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
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Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Lmao