[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
The photographer’s assistant
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.