BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic