I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.