Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Breaking news:
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: