[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.