Um … Hot Wings please
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I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Cause of death: Zumba
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.