Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
That lamp looks PISSED.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
absolutely not
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
True freaking story!
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?